What should have been my greatest victory was instead completely meaningless to me. And how, exactly, was I supposed to do better than attain a position like that?

It was simultaneously my highest and my lowest point. The feeling I got afterwards... When I realized how meaningless it was...

Yes, I'm certain of it. It was the textbook definition of despair.

[Well, despair... sounds about right. It almost seems to radiate off him.]

...And there was something... wonderful about it.

Well, not that I expect someone like you to understand that.